Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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