I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
