my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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