Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We need a shit load of segways right now
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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