her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
