I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
