I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
