I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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