Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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