we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
