i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
