i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
