Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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