nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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