Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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