I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
