just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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