Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
