Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize