You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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