Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
50% drunk capacity currently
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
