Welp...herpes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
