At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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