Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
