Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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