dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
