I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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