You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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