I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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