you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
