Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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