sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
