I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
