I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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