I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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