Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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