i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
