I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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