i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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