i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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