I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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