So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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