I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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