We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
