how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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