I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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