I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize