I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
