why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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