I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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