i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
