i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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