And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
