I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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