dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize