you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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