I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
