ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
