we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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