Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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